Zed and Z

Five years ago, I had just begun teaching English in Madrid. 
My boss got a request (petición) for an American English teacher for a CEO of a well-known (muy conocida, pronunciado "NOun") company, so there I went. 
This was an older gentleman, the kind of student that constantly distracted me from the lessons I meticulously prepared with his questions about English language and American culture. 
He looked like (se parecía a) Eduard Punset without the wind tunnel hair. 

He was obviously very intelligent, very agile-minded and very curious about the language. 

So, one day, a word comes up (surge) that I don't understand because his pronunciation was sometimes weird (extraña), so I ask him to spell it (le pido que la deletree). It was something like "Arizona". 

CEO:      "A, R, I, Zed.." 
Me:                         "Wait a minute, zed?"
CEO:                "Yes... A, R, I, Zed..."
Me:                          "Wait, what do you mean by zed?"
CEO:                 "The letter.... the last letter of the alphabet"
Me:                          "That's Z (pronunciado "zee" en USA). (I start to laugh) So, what, are we 
                                  spelling things in Greek now? Are you gonna throw in a Gamma or an                                             Epsilon? Like fraternities... Pi Kappa Phi! HAHAHAHA"
CEO:                 "Maybe that's the British way..." 
Me:                           "Hahaha, I've never heard that in my life!" 

Then I went home and told my Spanish wife about it. 
"Hahahaha you're not gonna believe what my student said today!!!"
And then she calmly stops me and confirms that yes, the British say "zed" for the last letter of the alphabet. 
Dead silence befalls the room as I remember chuckling at and making fun of a CEO to his face. The room starts spinning as I see myself in my mind's eye in slow motion laughing and saying "...PI KAPPA PHI!!! HAHAHAH!!!!"

Needless to say, the next day, I tucked my tail between my legs, sat down in his office and ate me a big helping (ración) of humble pie. 

Luckily, he was nice enough to just give me a good slap on the back and chuckle back at me. 

Don't like Halloween or Santa Claus? I couldn't care less.

I've been part of many conversations where Spaniards voice their opposition to elements of foreign cultures invading Spain. 
I get it (Entiendo): you think your culture is being erased by globalization or Americanization or whatever you prefer to call it. 



Last week these people said things like "¿Y por qué hay que celebrar Halloween aquí si la tradición española es de Todos los Santos?" (Why should we celebrate Halloween here when the Spanish tradition is All Saints Day?)
And that's a damn good point (es una buena observación donde las haya). 
Spaniards already dress up (se disfrazan) for Carnaval (like Mardi Gras in New Orleans), but they don't trick or treat. 
So we should repeal this law that makes it mandatory for all Spaniards to celebrate Halloween.... wait... that law doesn't exist. 
Oh yeah... you're free to celebrate Halloween or not if you damn well please (si te da la p___ gana).  
In these conversations, people say these things to me as if I'm taking part in making everybody celebrate Halloween against their will (voluntad). 
It's funny(curioso): the last guy to say this to me was wearing Levi's, Pumas, a Ralph Lauren Polo and Ray Bans. 
Well, I've got news for you: I couldn't care less (me da exáctamente igual) if you celebrate Halloween or not. 
Just a thought, though... maybe people in Spain celebrate Halloween more than All Saints' Day because it's more fun to dress up than to wash off tombstones... 

Do you not like Thanksgiving (Acción de gracias)? Then don't celebrate it. 
Do you not like Veterans' Day? Martin Luther King Day? The Fourth of July? 
Nobody's taking attendance. 
You don't lose money if you don't do it. 
Stay at home and watch Cuentame como pasó or a bull fight. 

Another thing people like to accuse America of is making Spain give gifts as Santa Claus instead of on Epiphany (el Día de los Reyes Magos). 
Well, lemme (déjame) tell ya (you) somethin': Nobody makes you do Santa Claus. 
In your family, you can celebrate whatever you decide. 
People act like it's some kind of obligation to do Santa Claus becuase that way their kids have more time to play with their toys over (durante) Christmas break. 
If you choose (eliges) to give your kids their presents (regalos) early (antes), that's fine, but don't blame (no eches la culpa) poor ol' Saint Nick (Papá Noel) because your national holiday gets less attention. 
He doesn't care one way or the other. 

Hell (Qué demonios), he'd probably be relieved if Spaniards didn't participate. 
It'd be a whole lot less paella pans, sangría jugs, Flamenco shoes and bullfighting swords to deliver (entregar). 

Driving in Spain

It took me (Tardé) a while (un tiempo) to get used to (acostumbrarme a) driving in Spain. 
It's not that traffic laws are so different. 
Many times, it's the interpretation of the traffic laws and the character (personalidad) of the drivers. 

So, here's my list of complaints (quejas) and observations about driving in Spain: 



1) Turn Signals (intermitentes):  
"I'd rather (prefiero) cut you off (cortarte el paso) than make the effort (hacer el esfuerzo por) to use my turn signal." 



I have this sixth sense when I know a person is going to jump in front of me without using their turn signal. They speed up (cogen velocidad) and inch over (se acercan) to my lane (carril) and jump in front of me so close that his Spanish flag bumper sticker looks like the one at la Plaza de Colón. 

2) SUVs (todo terrenos) and buses: 
"I'm so big I can run all over you (pisarte) and you have to respect my space." 



Obviously, if I see a very large vehicle getting close to me, I'll slow down and let him in, but lots of times, I get the feeling that they don't even (ni siquiera) look before they change lanes. 

3) Audis: 
"Get out of the way (Quítate del medio) because I'm trying to break the sound barrier." 



You know these guys. They're the ones that think the world is their Autobhan. When you get in the left lane to pass (adelantar), they appear out of thin air (de la nada) and get so close to your bumper (parachoques) that you can't even see their headlights (faros)... until they flash them. These same guys are the ones that risk their lives and those of others to pass you on a curvy two-lane mountain road by darting into oncoming traffic because maybe (a lo mejor) they can go fast enough to turn back time. 

4) Traffic circles (rotondas): 
Anything goes (Todo vale) 



If red lights are boxing matches, traffic circles are street fights. Suddendly (de repente), lanes don't exits. There are no laws or rules, just people imposing their own will (propia voluntad). 

5) There are never road signs (señales de tráfico) leading to your destination. 



You can count on getting lost (perderte) or having to stop to ask for directions whenever you're going to an unknown (desconocido, pronunciado "AN-NOUN") place because properly placed road signs are very scarce (escasas). You end up in a town in the middle of nowhere with 15 inhabitants asking the mayor/shepherd/bar owner how to get back (volver) to the highway. 

4) Missed your exit (salida)? Sorry, Charlie. The next exit where you can turn around (darse la vuelta) is in France. 



You have to pay very close attention (estar muy atento) to what exit to take because the next exit may be 20 kilometers ahead (más adelante). 

5) My, how I wish you could go right on red. 



Every once in a while (De vez en cuando), after we come back from visiting the States, I'll accidentally turn right at a red light and scare the everliving shit out of (meterle un susto de muerte) my wife. 

6) I'm terrified of changing lanes or opening my door and clobbering (meterle un viaje) a guy on a motorcycle. 



They bob and weave (saltar) in and out of traffic so fast that I always think that one could be coming, and I'm gonna accidentally stop his motorcycle in its tracks and he'll pull a Superman. 

7) Is the line (cola) for the exit too long? No problem! Just jump ahead and nose into (meterse en) a spot (hueco) when somebody's not paying attention. 



This gets on my nerves (me pone de los nervios) because I'm the guy that gets in line at the very end and waits his turn to take the exit like a good boy, then Mr. Smarty Pants (el listillo) who breaks in line (se cuela) and disregards (ignora) all of the people behind him that have been waiting for 5 minutes. 

8) Hazard lights mean (significan) diplomatic immunity. 



It's like playing "tag" (pilla pilla) and touching home base. Because you put your hazard lights on, it's OK to park in a handicapped (minusválido) space, or what the hell (qué cojones), right in the middle of the street. "I'll only be a minute!" 

9) Parking by ear. 



All cars in Madrid have dents (bollos) in the bumpers because it's generally accepted that in order to parallel park, you have to tap (tocar) the car in front of you and the one behind you several times.  

10) Auto escuela (driving school) is highway robbery (un timo). 



The test is so difficult that most people don't pass (aprobar) the first time, then you have to go back to school and do more hours in the car with the instructor. The first time around, it's between 500 and 1000 euros. The second time isn't much cheaper. It's an industry. 

11) You have to drive like a real (auténtico) idiot to get pulled over (detenido en carretera)

In my 6 years in Spain, I've only seen 2 people get pulled over on the highway. Most speeding tickets are done with cameras, so the only way to get pulled is if you're driving like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. 



12) My God, I miss (echo de menos) cruise control (regulador de velocidad). 

Most cars here have manual transmissions. I really miss taking road trips in the US where you get on the highway, get up to 75 mph, turn on the cruise control, and do several hours of easy miles. 



I think drivers in South Carolina are a lot more courteous than drivers in Madrid. I've seen people in SC at a stop sign wait for a car to pass even if it's 1/2 mile away sometimes. Of course, you can't compare apples and oranges (churras con merinas). Madrid is a big city with more inhabitants than the whole (entera) state of SC and it's in a hurry (tiene mucha prisa).  Lots of times, I find myself talking to other drivers, saying things like "where's the fire?" and "hold your horses, cowboy!" and "nobody get excited". 

Encounter with the Guardia Civil

I'm usually (suelo ser) a good boy. I try to follow (respetar) the rules, obey laws, be nice (amable), look good and smell decent. 

But a while back (hace un tiempo), I broke (incumplí) a law without even (ni siquiera) knowing it. 

Let's start with the back story (antecedentes). 

I used to (solía) fish a good bit (bastante) in the US. I also used to smoke. The problem is that when you fish, you have one hand holding (sujetando) the rod (caña) and one hand cranking (girando) the reel (carrete), and I didn't like holding the cigarette in my mouth because the smoke got in my eyes. So, I chewing (mascar) tobacco was a good solution.  

That was around 2004 or so. Fast forward to 2009. I started fly fishing in the mountains around Ávila and I was talking about this same thing to my Dad. He sent me a care package (paquete especial por correo al extranjero): a 6" x 10" x 10" box with about 10 packs of Red Man loose leaf chewing tobacco. 


I didn't know where to keep (guardar) it, so I put the box in the kitchen. 
The next morning, I was on the way (de camino) out the door when I saw the box and I decided to get a bag out to chew some on the way to work. 

A good friend of mine once told me that good stories always start with "So, there I was...." 

So there I was, chewing tobacco at 7:30 in the morning on the highway on the way to work in Madrid, spitting into an empty coffee cup, when the Guardia Civil (Spanish version of the State Troopers) stop beside me at a red light. 



You know that feeling when you just KNOW somebody's watching you? Well, I started looking around and I saw that there were two officers staring (mirando fijamente) at me. Hard. I think they were puzzled (perplejos) at why I was spitting (escupiendo) into the cup instead (en lugar) of drinking out of it. 

Then, the light turned green (se puso en verde) and I started driving. Well, the officers pulled me over (me detuvieron). I stopped. One got out of the car, and judging by his accent, he was obviously Andalú. 

Agente:       Buenoh díah
Me:              Buenos días, señor agente. 
Agente:       You can't drink coffee while you're driving. 
Me:              I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not drinking coffee. 
Agente:       I know you're drinking coffee. 
                    I saw the cup. 
                    You can't drink anything while you're driving because it's a distraction. 
Me:             I understand that, but I swear I wasn't drinking coffee. 
                    I was chewing tobacco. 
                   I'm American. 
                   Can't you hear my accent? 
                   Have you ever seen a cowboy movie? 
                    Look. 
                   (I showed him the coffee cup complete with an inch of tobacco spit in it)
Agente:      Por Dios.... (Dear God....)
                   OK, look, you can't hold anything in your hands other than the wheel while you're                            driving. 
                   Go on. 
                   Adios

You should've seen the look on his face. 
I would've paid money to hear what he had to say when he got back to the station. 
                 

A Little Knowledge Can Be a Dangerous Thing

I have a theory about some English words wrongly used in Spanish. 

I think what happens is that a Spaniard goes to study in an English-speaking country just long enough to get a taste of immersion, but just short enough to still sound.... weird, awkard, and out of place... like a wax museum statue. 


(For those of you not familiar with this person, it's supposed to be Rafael Nadal.) 



This person probably spent a semester or less in Nowheresville, Missouri. 
Because among the older generation, their parents, there exists the persistent maxim that "la única manera de aprender bien un idioma es perderse en Inglaterra o por ahí y tener que espabilar." (The only way to learn a language right is to get lost in England or wherever because you have no other choice but to learn) 

Butchered English Expression Used in Spanish	Real Meaning in English	Real Anglophone Expression
Zapping	To electrocute, shoot or cook	to flick channels
Friki	extrañísimo, deformado	geek
Tuning	sincronizar	customizing
Fashion	moda	fashionable
Hall	pasillo	foyer
Web	red	website
Brackets	soporte (de construcción)	braces

They bring back with them words that they've heard natives use and get a reaction from a crowd, like a laugh, or shock, or wow, and they either can't remember them just right or they never learned them right in the first place. 

I think I can imagine how these people infer the meanings of these colloquial expressions from context the wrong way. 

We're in Coach Johnson's 11th grade chemistry class with Asher the jock, Skyler the cheerleader, George the geek and Pilar the Spaniard. 
In walks George the geek with a Lord of the Rings tee shirt, featuring Legolas the Elf. 

ASHER THE JOCK:                          - Dude! Check out the brainy kid's t-shirt! 
SKYLER THE CHEERLEADER      - OH. MY. GOD. You are such a FREAK!
GEORGE THE GEEK:                      - You guys are stupid. Go drink a protein shake and leave 
                                                               me alone. 
PILAR THE SPANIARD:                 - I AM AGREE! YOU ARE A FRIKI! (Esto de friki debe                  
                                                            significar algo insultante ... cuando vuelva a Pozuelo, lo 
                                                            voy a usar a tope como si supiera lo que es.) 
ASHER THE JOCK:                         - I knew I forgot something this morning! My protein shake! 
                                                               I'm calling my mom right now. 
COACH JOHNSON:                        - Alright, leave the smart kid alone. He helps me clean up the 
                                                              lab in the afternoon. OK, so we were talking about ionic 
                                                              bonds or whatever the school wants me to teach as an 
                                                             excuse to coach football... 

These people say the following things to show off about their profound immersion experience: 
- No, es que esta palabra no existe en español. (The thing is that word just doesn't exist in 
    Spanish). (Lie. You just don't know how to translate it.) 
- Jo, es que llevo tanto tiempo pensando en inglés que a veces es lo primero que me sale. 
   (Man... I've been thinking in English for so long that it's the first thing that pops out.)  
   (Lie. You were there from August to December and spent the whole time with a group of        
     Venezuelan kids smoking pot.) 

This sounds really impressive to people that have never travelled, so it catches on, and people say: 

"Claro que se dice así... me lo dijo Borja y él estuvo en Estados Unidos mogollón de tiempo en un pueblo perdido de la mano de Dios, o sea que tiene que ser verdad."

"Of course that's the way you say it... Borja told me that and he went to this town in the boon docks in the US for a really long time, so it's gotta be true".

Other English words that Spaniards use all the time that just get on my nerves: 
- Drinking
- Spinning 
- Jetlag
- Freelance

As so many supporters of the RAE (Real Academia Española) say, why use a foreign word when there is already a perfectly good word in your own language? 
And moreover, why use the wrong foreign word to express yourself when you could use the right word in your own language? 
The answer: because it sounds so cool. 

Cultural Culinary Combinations

Peanuts are OK, but peanut butter is repugnant. 
Lots of times, if you order a beer, the bartender will give you a bowl full of peanuts and people pound them down. 
But something happens when you mash peanuts, apparently, to make them taste like death. 

Café con hielos. 
Spaniards see this as a refreshing summer drink. 
But if you put milk in it to make an iced coffee, it's a "guarrada". 

Here, I've seen hamburgers with ham ontop of the patty. 
I think this is a case of somebody learning just enough English to get the wrong idea. 

How about a Jack Daniels and Fanta Limón? 
That's about the closest thing you'll find to a Lynchburg Lemonade here. 
I still haven't heard a Spaniard react to it. 
The bartender doesn't react because he wants to sell you the drink. 
People around you don't react because they think you're drinking ron con limón. 

An Arnold Palmer (sweet tea and lemonade) would be extraterrestrial here. 

Now, Spanish combinations can be pretty intense, too. 

Eating eggs and bacon for breakfast here is unheard of. 
But they eat pancakes for dessert at American restaurants. 
I suppose it's kind of like fried chicken and waffles in Atlanta. 

I've never seen it done, but I've heard of people drinking Gin and Coke here... 
I must admit, I haven't tried it, so I can't knock it. 

Calimoxo. 
Red wine and Coke. 
What? 
Before I came here, the thought had never crossed my mind. 
But it's actually pretty decent. 

Spaniards say Bourbon is too sweet, and then they go and mix Scotch and Coke. 

I wish people would start forming their own opinions rather than letting themselves be guided by the opinions of others. 

Grammar Nazis Need To Be Smacked One Good Time

I'll be the first to admit that I was once a grammar Nazi. 
You know these people. 
They scour Facebook looking for someone that mixes up "you're" and "your", or "their" and "there". 
Then they post a comment with a funny little asterisk and the correction. 
Then their friends have a Chernobyl-style meltdown. 

StarStudent:                         People should really watch there grammar. 
AssClownKnowItAll:           *their
StarStudent:                         screw you, man, you better watch you're back
AssClowKnowItAll:             *your
StarStudent:                          your gonna loose your front teeth talking like that
AssClowKnowItAll:              *lose
StarStudent:                          (user has deleted this thread)
AssClownKnowItAll:             If you don't like it, tell the *principle on me... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The problem is that you have the unfortunate combination of someone who has really never cared about grammar or spelling and someone else who thinks it's OK to call him out in front of God and everybody. 

"It's for his own good." 
"I'm trying to help him not sound like an inbred." 
"He'll thank me for it later."

Grammar Nazis were probably bullied in school and never quite got over it, and those who commit grammar mistakes on social media were probably the bullies..
So there's either a part of the grammar Nazi that doesn't know when they're embarrassing somebody or a part of him that wants to rub somebody's face in it for a change. 

But friends don't willingly embarrass friends in public. 

It's funny - if we want to say something personal, private, intimate, or potentially embarrassing, we send a private message. 

That way, nobody finds out about fungal infection, your DUI, or the fact that you never finished your GED. 

Grammar Nazis publish it right on somebody's wall for all of their friends, family and coworkers to see. 

A grammar Nazi thinks it's his civic duty to teach proper language to the masses, even if they don't appreciate it, and even if they react violently... 

..as if one day, the Oxford English Dictionary would have him knighted and he would be henceforth known by his royal title "Sir AssClownKnowItAll" for being such a self-sacrificing bearer of wisdom. 

Nobody likes to feel embarrassed, so Mr. Bad Grammar strikes back like a cornered tiger with the following methods: 
- physical threats
- guilt tripping
- pouting
- unfriending / blocking
- deleting the thread
- slashing tires
- mailing Anthrax
- insults
- talking about you behind your back
- advertising you as a prostitute on Craigslist

What grammar Nazis have to realize is that perfect grammar and spelling is a must for a lot of professions, but not for social interaction. 

That's why I'm speaking at this meeting tonight. 
My name is Ryan and I was a grammar Nazi. 
It's been five months since I've corrected someone. 

You are not your friends' teacher unless they ask you to be. 

Old Ladies

In the States, the place I'd see old ladies in my everyday life were at church, at the ATM, in the grocery store, and in the car. 

The problem was when you depended on them to finish before you did something. 

I'll just go ahead and say this evil thing that's been brewing in my mind: I think old ladies take excessive advantage of the common courtesies society offers them. 

We hold doors for them. 

We let them go first. 

We let them have the last one. 

How can you say no to an old lady? 

They behaved themselves in church, usually. 

The most common place to get annoyed with old ladies is on the road. 

As you're pulling into aparking lot, a little old blue-haired lady cuts you off because she either can't see over the steering wheel or she hasn't gotten her glasses prescription updated since Jimmy Carter was president. 

But you don't honk because it's an old lady. 

You can imagine her giving you a chocolate chip cookie and a shiny nickel and she makes you feel bad about having almost t-boned her car. 

Then, there's the line at the ATM... and the grocery store. 

You don't go to the store very often, so when you do, you have to buy a truckload. 

When you're standing in line with your cart, here comes Miss Daisy and she asks if she can break in line. 

All she's got in her hands is a can of Aqua Net, some Lipton's and a romance novel. 

You don't think she'll take long, so you let her. 

But you're badly mistaken. 

The clock grinds to a halt with every step of the operation. 

She decides to write a check. 

The adolescent looks up from his Smartphone and says "what's THAT?".

She proceeds to write what seems to be the Declaration of Independence. 

When the transaction finally comes to a close, Beavis tells her to have a nice day, and everyone behind her in line watches her meticulously put her reciept in her fake Coach wallet.  

But you don't complain because it's an old lady. 

In Madrid, you can be sitting on an empty bus and an old lady will ask to sit in the seat next to you, of all the other seats, obliging you to get up to let her in. 

But you don't make a comment because it's an old lady. 

I'll see them walking three abreast walking 2 MPH down a crowded sidewalk with their furs and their helmet hair oblivious that other people exist. 

One big problem is that if you're jogging coming at them head on, these old ladies can't decide which way to turn and they start to do the Harlem Shake. 

Being in Spain, the first thing that came into my head was to try to act like a bullfighter and signal them to one side. 

They usually follow instructions. 

That way they avoid getting covered in sweat and I avoid getting covered in fake animal hair. 

Poor things. 

They've been loving, patient and responsable mothers. 

Most of the time, they're just lonely and want some company. 

And their tranquility should probably remind us to slow down a little.

Curiously, old ladies treat me like gold. 

Probably because I love homemade food so much and I'm so vocal about it. 

Stereotypical Contradictions

I'd like to discuss American stereotypes the the incoherent people that perpetuate them.
I'm going to present this as a conversation between this here southern boy and them.

- Americans are ignorant, they don't travel, they love guns, they're too religious, their coffee is awful and their food is, too.
But damn, they make a good pair of jeans.
- If you're so anti-American, then don't support the American economy by purchasing those Levi's skinny jeans with the pre-worn holes.

- I don't like celebrating Santa Claus. I'd rather celebrate Reyes Magos.
- Nobody twists your arm into giving gifts on Christmas Day instead of Reyes Magos.
- But if I give my kids the gifts on Christmas Day, they have the whole Christmas Break to play with them.
- You've made your choice.
   Now pick up your kid's toys made by Mattel.

- Americans aren't very well traveled.
- Try not to trip over them next time you go to Rome, Paris, London...
   But you don't see as many on Gran Via, huh?
   You see more Chinese people and Russians.
   Does that give you an indication of what's happening to the Spanish economy?

- American Customs Security is too much.
   Retina scan, fingerprints, questioning....
- We were attacked by Al Qaeda on September 11th, 2001.
   You'd think Spain would want to protect itself a little better after its attack, too.

- Americans don't know where Spain is on the map.
- Do you know where Illinois is on the map?
   In case you didn't know, it's where Chicago is.
   It's the third largest city in the US, comparable to Madrid in just about everything.
    Corruption included.

- I admire Americans for having the patriotism to display their flag.
- Do you care so much about what other people think that you are afraid to fly your flag?

- American commercialism is ruining society.
- Go Tweet about it on your iPhone, hipster.

I'm not trying to say that people should choose to go in one radical direction or another.
People don't live extremist lives.
Nothing is completely one way or the other.
No one is completely capitalist or socialist.
Political parties aren't completely pro-regulation or anti-regulation.
It depends on the issue at hand.
Democrats want freedom of expression but limitation on places you can smoke, beverages you can drink and more gun control.
Republicans want freedom from taxation, gun control and financial regulation, but restrictions on abortions and immigration.

We all live in a blurry grey area where ideas converge into a puree.
We are all walking sets of hypocritical contradictions.
Show me someone who isn't and I'd say that you are ill-informed.

American Holidays

A couple years ago, I got tired of people making false generalizations about American culture.
So, when people would ask "Do you really...?", I started to say "everything you've seen in the movies is true" because you can't argue with everything a person has ever known, let alone change the tides by yourself.
Like telling someone the right way to pronounce "Tom Cruise", "South Carolina", "Tennessee", "Johnny Depp", or "Mel Gibson".
They won't believe you.
And if they do, they won't remember anyway.
So just accept that Lethal Weapon actually stars "Mel Jeebson".

But I really get a kick out of people's perceptions of American holidays.

One time, a co-worker said to me "Happy Halloween! Are you going home to celebrate?".
This person evidently thought that Halloween is a huge holiday for Americans like Carnaval in Brazil or the Canary Islands or Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Yes, I'm going to buy a plane ticket home to dress up like a pirate and trick-or-treat, then me and my family will kill a baby goat and drink its blood in a Pagan / heretical Protestant ritual and give each other beads for whoever drinks the most blood.

Here's another: "You don't get any days off at Easter?".
"Easter is on Sunday. It's already a day off."
These are people that aren't familiar enough with Protestant churches to know that Maundy Thursday and Good Friday aren't as emphasized.
Not as if Spaniards go to church those days anyhow.

Speaking of religion: "Thanksgiving is a religious holiday, right?"
At first, I used to explain the story of the pilgrims and the Native Americans that we all heard in kindergarten.
But people still weren't satisfied.
Until I finally got to the root of the issue.
"In the movies, you always see a family at a dinner table with a turkey praying."
News flash: if a family blesses a meal at Thanksgiving, they probably do it every other day of the year.
But you don't see Mom getting her potato salad recipe out of a Bible or the kids making a nativity scene with Elmer Fudd, a turkey and Sitting Bull.

And while some people say:
"Americans are very family-oriented because they get together at Christmas",
I hear those same people, many times in the same breath, say:
"Americans don't care about family because they move all over the country".
These people have seen both A) any number of American Christmas movies where the family comes home for the holidays, and B) any number of American college movies where the kids move away and leaves the parents crying in their driveway.
Which one are you, then? family-oriented or not?
Yes.
I agree.
Bartender?

"Americans have very little vacation time"
Your average American has two weeks of vacation time.
Spain gets 20 - 25 days (work days).
That's five weeks.
I admit, two weeks isn't that much, but five weeks is unreal.
How can a company make profits?

I get a chuckle when people are surprised that we don't do something that is only done in Spain.
"You don't eat grapes on New Year's? How can you not eat grapes on New Year's?"
What connection do grapes have to New Years?
They're not even in season!
It's winter!

No, we don't celebrate virgins or saints.

On the other hand, I bet Spaniards in the United States get asked "What are you doing for Cinco de Mayo?"
"When is it, anyway?"